The Circle Theory of American voters stipulates that the extreme left and extreme right eventually meet at rock bottom. It’s worth netting up some of the tastiest bottom-feeders.
1. The Confused Historian [1] – Church and State
I believe that this is a Christian nation; that there is, in fact, no separation between Church and State. Furthermore, I’m under the impression that our forefathers meant for this to be the case. My favorite bits of evidence to ignore include (but are not limited to): the First Amendment of the Constitution, and Jefferson’s letters calling for a “wall of separation between church and state.” When confronted, I depart from logic and embark on a magical mystery adventure of catechismal fiction constructed entirely from embossed Hallmark cards. Somewhere in heaven, George Washington and Jesus are executing a perfect high-five.
2. The Knee-Jerk Unionist
I’m under the impression that all companies are bound by Trotsky’s Law of Happytime, which states that employees can’t be fired, laid off, interrupted from a nap, or harassed with “quotas” and “deadlines” during work hours. So when people are laid off, I become vaguely angry at the entire company. Sometimes even at the entire concept of capitalism! You see, I’m so progressive, even my historical context takes place in the future, allowing me to remain totally unaware of the entire twentieth century. That’s why I continue to think that the way to eradicate poverty is through the nationalization of industry, rather than by empowering the needy with education and seed funding. Kim Jung who?
3. The Confused Lemming on the left
OMG Obama has done, like, NOTHING in office. I know that to be true because I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, which means it didn’t happen. Also, all Republicans are douches.
4. The Confused Lemming on the right
I think Sarah Palin is a viable candidate for public office. It doesn’t bother me that she’s never expressed anything resembling a political platform, because I identify and empathize with her personally, and I’m easily distracted. I also identify and empathize with Bella, from Twilight. She’s adorable. Edward/Jacob 2012!!!! SQUEELZ!
5. The Confused Historian [2] – Nazi Turrets Syndrome.
Yep. I equate Obamacare with the indiscriminate torture and slaughter of 6 million innocent people. To me, the two are wholly indistinguishable. Try and prove me wrong! Do I offend you? Maybe that’s because you’re a communist homosexual with jellybeans for testicles.
6. The Pseudo-Intellectual Protester
When my neighborhood Blockbuster went out of business and my friend’s roommate was out of a job, I staged a protest against both Blockbuster and Obama. And Fox News. And racism. After work one day, all my friends and I set up all of our MacBooks on a Blockbuster parking lot — all playing various Fellini films rented from Netflix — and we performed a resistance piece based on folkloric Uzbeki harvest rites, chanting some decidedly progressive song lyrics. I think we came pretty close to getting arrested this time.
7. The Homophobe
I agree with Sean Bielat’s assessment that gays are the same as short people in their inability to serve their country. To me, the logic is air-tight: If you are sexually attracted to members of your own gender, there’s a chance you may compromise a mission by dropping your weapon in the midst of a cross-fire and start leg-humping your commander. Gays are notorious for such behavior. Obviously, this risk outweighs any other so-called “credentials” a homo may have, such as fluency in Farsi, Arabic, or Chinese. Also, I use the Bible to justify my homophobia, and ignore the eery parallels to the Abolitionist movement of 150 years ago, when slave owners used the Bible to similar ends (Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT).
8. The Confused Employer
As an employer, I hire people based on their capacity to perform a given task, because I understand that this is the best way to ensure that this task will be performed adequately. However, this logic flies out the window when applied to voting. Rather than “hiring” a candidate based on his or her competence, I base my decision on attributes that are either personal or totally irrelevant. For example, I might vote based on a candidate’s race or religion, believing that this allows them to “get it,” whereas another candidate of similar qualifications–but different race or religion–would not. I might vote based on a position that has nothing to do with that office, such as the issue of abortion, which is almost entirely of the President’s hands. This is kind of like hiring a teacher because she looks like that girl you gave you a handy in high school. Needless to say, if I made this sort of decision at work, my ass would be hauled to court like a hog to slaughter. But that’s grown-up time. Voting is a super-happy-fun-time thing I do with my friends, so I feel justified in simply saying that I do it “my way,” and saving myself all the hassle of educating myself on the issues. Politics is like arts and crafts, but way funner!!!
9. Guilty by Association
Your candidate once shared a subway car with a guy who talks during movies at the theater. And if he couldn’t preclude that guy from eventually developing a movie-talking habit, how can I trust that he’ll preclude Iran from enriching plutonium?? THINK ABOUT IT, PLZ!!
10. The Hard-liner
My candidate says he refuses to compromise on any issues, due to a hormonal imbalance and a need to constantly prove himself to an ex-girlfriend from the ninth grade. But rather than pity his stunted emotional development, or donate to endocrine research for his improvement, I’ve decided to vote for him. I take one look at our system of government (bicameral legislature, series of checks and balances, judicial oversight), and understand one thing about our forefathers: They wanted to ensure that we would never, EVER compromise on any issues, under any circumstances. Also, on a practical note, I’m of the opinion that filling Washington with theatrical, grumpy old white men who are all unwilling to compromise with each other is the only way to ensure that I’ll get exactly what I want, all the time. That’s the whole point of America!
Did I forget anyone? Tweet @delmarsenties, let me know.